#10685 ⇧ (+108197/-491) ⇩
<barometz> Bucket, as you might have gathered, is not extremely smart
<Bucket> Okay, barometz.
<barometz> ~_~
<barometz> Bucket: forget that
<Bucket> Okay, barometz, forgot that as you might have gathered is not extremely smart
#4026 ⇧ (+5478/-574) ⇩
< marc> ok story time
< marc> I either got kicked out of art history class or I have straight as for the rest of the semester without work
< marc> about 30 seconds before class I went up to tell him that I would have to leave a little bit early
< marc> we were talking loud enough so the whole class would hear, but they weren't being very loud anyway, now this guy is an asshole he started the whole high pitched mocking voice and said "well if you're leaving then I guess I'll go too, it's not like I have to teach a class or anything, or you have to be here for it"
< marc> so I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and tossed them at him, he caught them and I said "well if you're already leaving you can take my mom to chemo"
< marc> whole class goes silent he's just standing there mouth open keys still in his outstretch hand, I walk up take them from his hand said "that's what I thought" and walked out
#406 ⇧ (+1993/-429) ⇩
< Coldcell_> actually, my neck clicks _really_ badly sometimes, but it doesn't hurt or anything
< Coldcell_> and in martial arts class one day some guy headlocks me
< Coldcell_> and it does this massive POP
< Coldcell_> so I go limp
< deadfool> nice
< Coldcell_> and the guy is almost crying
#354 ⇧ (+1777/-439) ⇩
Glench: as the temperature of lesbians approaches absolute zero, they cease to exist
Glench: let me demonstrate
Glench: here we have a google search for hot lesbians
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22hot+lesbians%22
Glench: ~1.4 million results
Glench: cool lesbians: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cool+lesbians%22
Glench: 2,500 results
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cold+lesbians%22
Kasu: Glench: It's scientific!
Glench: 321 results
Glench: for cold lesbians
lapilofu: did you try warm?
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22absolute+zero+lesbians%22
Glench: 0 results
Glench: theory: PROVEN
TwoDaemon: ... that is simultaneously so logical and so awesomely retarded.
#882 ⇧ (+2375/-632) ⇩
KBC: Recently, my sister had a child. A few months before hand, she had a baby shower. I was invited, because my sister likes getting presents. I got them Hungry Hungry Hippos. The reason for this? My brother-in-law, when young, was a terror, and his mother was an actual single mother. The father left the day of conception.
KBC: One day, his mother got fed up with my brother-in-laws antics, she said 'That's it, grab one toy, you're going to the orphanage!' So he grabs HHH, they walk around a mall a bit, he's clutching that thing to him saying 'I *sob* Don't *Sob* wanna *sob* go to the orphan*sob*age!'
KBC: And then they go home. But this story isn't about my brother-in-law, or his mother, or even my nephew, really. It's about the baby shower, when I went out to buy their gift- Hungry Hungry Hippos.
KBC: I go to Walmart, because it's the only thing open at the time I went out. I go to the toy section, look at the Lego, crappy excuse for action figures, then grab the game. After that, I start heading for the cash registers.
KBC: On the way towards the cashes, I pass the pharmacy and realize, 'Hey, I need condoms.' Because, well, condoms expire after four years. So, I grab a box of condoms, Tiny Trojans (they invaded in a pony, not a horse) and head to the cashes with my HHH in tow.
KBC: While waiting at the cash, I see their impulse buys. Impulse buy at this cash was gummy bears. This reminded me about a story I heard that eating too many gummy bears can turn your pee black. So I picked up some. For science. (Post-script: It didn't)
KBC: I'm waiting for the cashier, and there's two people in front of me. The cashier is this old, 80 or older blue haired bat who likes talking. She rung the items up for the people in front of me and talked to them for a few minutes, despite their wanting to pay and leave. And then I get served.
KBC: She looks at me and smiles, then looks at my items. Then looks at me. And looks at my items. And then just glares at me. I'm standing right in front of her, after a long 12 hour shift, in a trenchcoat, not having shaved for a week. That's when it hits me, I just won the condom game, where you grab three items, one being condoms, and see if you can get a reaction. You know, coathanger, garbage bags, condoms. Something like that.
KBC: By the way she's looking at me, she must think I'm a child molester. So I say to her. 'Oh, uh, I'm new in town...do you know where I can get a white, panelled van?' And her jaw drops. She scans the items, as she hadn't yet, as fast as fast can be, I give her the money and she pretty much throws it back at me.
KBC: I thank her for her service, and start to leave the store. Before I leave, I look back, and I see her, on the phone, looks like she's yelling, using her hand beside her to try and judge height next to her, probably giving my description to someone. And that's why I'm not allowed at the east end Wal-mart again. END.
#543 ⇧ (+1568/-422) ⇩
Tawnos: xkcd, how drunk are you?
xkcd: Tawnos: on a scale of 1 to abraham lincoln I am yellow
#681 ⇧ (+1441/-441) ⇩
<Shrdlu> I was reading my physics prof's text and came upon this sentence:
<Shrdlu> 'In previous examples we have found it convenient to assume reality; henceforth we will no longer thus constrain ourselves.'
<Shrdlu> Took me a moment to figure out that he was talking about assuming a variable was real-valued.
<Shrdlu> For a brief instant I thought it could be the best physics class I'd ever taken.
#4310 ⇧ (+1204/-401) ⇩
<Sydney> pseudonym: I once wrote an essay on "The Use of Rhetoric to Obscure a Lack of Meaningful Content".
<pseudonym> Sydney: you're my new hero
<Sydney> I used total bull to get away with using total bull on the topic of using total bull.
<Sydney> I received full marks and a request not to do it again.
#5088 ⇧ (+1486/-520) ⇩
< Jax184> I finally got the windows embedded platform builder installed
< Jax184> so I can now make a version of XP that'll boot off of a 128 meg CF card
< moshez> jax184: my condolences
< moshez> why do you want to develop on crap xp platforms and stuff
< moshez> that sounds unfun
<@khmer> i love it when people ask windows questions or talk about windows dev and someone's very serious answer to the question is "use linux, noob"
< moshez> khmer: it's worked for me so far...
<@khmer> hurr hurr! you guys are aweosme!!!!!!
<@khmer> here's my impression of you
<@khmer> SCENE: Mission Control. Apollo 13 is spinning out of control.
<@khmer> <Radio> All right, we've evacuated the command module and we're sealed in the LEM, but the oxygen filter is broken! we need another!
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, Captain, we'll put together a team.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> Team, here are the supplies they've got. We need to build an air filter for the LEM socket, right now.
<@khmer> <moshez> They shouldn't have gone into the LEM.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> We're kind of past that, moshez. They've evacuated all the oxygen from the command module.
<@khmer> <moshez> Well it's just the right answer, they shouldn't have gone into the LEM.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, anyone else? We have to make sure it doesn't take sharp movements, because a good kick could tear right through the aluminum wall.
<@khmer> <moshez> Well, you shouldn't have used aluminum.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> All right, you know what, dickhole? That's not problem solving. They're in the LEM, the walls are aluminum, and they're in fucking space, so we need to solve this problem!
<@khmer> <moshez> Well, they shouldn't have gone into space. I never need to.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> What? This isn't about you. This is their situation and their problem and we need to build this air filter!
<@khmer> <moshez> Well don't get mad at me for having the right answers.
<@khmer> <moshez> I just drive to my house and I never have air filtration problems.
<@khmer> <Mission Commander> So, the astronauts have holed up in the LEM and they want us to build an air filter, and your solution is for them not to go into the LEM, not to build it with aluminum, not to go into space, and to drive to your house?
<@khmer> <moshez> You're not thinking about this rationally.
<@khmer> <Radio> TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER
<@khmer> <moshez> That radio is probably just picking up Casablanca.
<@khmer> --SCENE.--
< moshez> khmer: ok
< moshez> khmer: now I feel bad about myself
< moshez> no wait, I don't
< Beelzebub> moshez: you should.
#371 ⇧ (+1317/-468) ⇩
khmer: so, i have a bit of a story to tell about last night's party
barnaby: which bit?
khmer: my friends jeff and andrew call me and say, we're hitting up this house party on capitol hill, and i go, fine
khmer: i get there and know nobody; andrew knows the birthday girl, that's about it
khmer: the hosts are a pair of mid-20s IT workers from japan, and 80% of the guest list is japanese exchange students, around my age
khmer: most of them FOB or close, going to various schools in the area
khmer: their english is pretty good but heavily accented and not high on vocabulary
khmer: they're dressed trendy, lots of denim, hair highlights, you get the idea
creature: Does this story end with you seducing someone?
khmer: swarms of japanese girls, and you know, i just automatically think they probably have relatively innocent schoolgirl sensibilities; too much western entertainment i guess
khmer: but we're out on the balcony smoking and then being openly asked about the size of our dicks
prozac: bwahahahaahahahaha
khmer: 'oh, miyuki and me, we knowww tall boys! hee hee hee!'
zylche: squelch..
khmer: 'i want to stay in seattle parliamentary'
khmer: 'what?'
khmer: 'parliamentary!'
khmer: 'like, forever!'
khmer: 'but it's very hard, you know, visa, and green card'
khmer: 'oh you mean permanently! ah, i see'
khmer: 'yes,' says miho, 'long time, lots of paperwork'
khmer: i nod sympathetically, she says 'or i could marry someone!'
Coldcell: send her over.
khmer: i know, right? but jeff and andrew and i don't flirt overtly, because we're off balance a bit, this has all come as a bit of a surprise, and we're afraid of a huge cultural misunderstanding
Coldcell: khmer, that's a 'bow' not an invite to unzip
prozac: khmer, there was a huge cutural misunderstanding
prozac: japanese arent puritianical like western society.
khmer: like, we were afraid we'd end up in the bedroom, we're like, yes, score, inside-the-park, and she would, i dunno, pull out hungry hungry hippos as we were getting our pants offf
Coldcell: hahaa
khmer: so, yes, considering among other things the cultural gaps you two are pointing out, we made sure not to flirt with anyone heavily
Coldcell: 'oh, I totally play HH in the nude, don't you know Americans?'
khmer: but we definitely get real full of ourselves
khmer: we end up sitting inside in front of like 12 japanese kids, doing stupid elementary school tricks
khmer: like, jeff played the william tell overture with his mouth, i opened a beer can with a lighter
khmer: THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE EVERY TIME
khmer: we recited the who's on first routine
khmer: RIOTOUS LAUGHTER
Ephphatha: opening a beer can with a lighter?
khmer: we could do no wrong! it made me understand why has-been bands go play japan!
khmer: beer bottle, that is
khmer: excuse me
khmer: you know, absence of verbal humor, we're like...
khmer: getting peals of laughter from making shapes with our tongues
khmer: 'look! a tube!'
khmer: so i get a quarter out of my pocket and i grab miyuki, who is heartbreakingly gorgeous
prozac: I'm wondering about how you didn't get laid after all this....
khmer: i press the quarter to my forehead, it sticks there, i hit myself in the back of the head twice, it falls off
khmer: she understands
khmer: so, i press it to her forehead, and, you guys know the trick, right? i remove it as i pull my hand away
khmer: enthusiastically, she begins hitting herself in the back of the head
khmer: one time...two times...three...harder...harder...HARDER
khmer: TWELVE TIMES
khmer: she's getting FURIOUS
khmer: another party guest comes into the room
khmer: she yells something at him in japanese, glares
khmer: he's like...uh...are you...are you sure?
khmer: it's gonna hurt real bad
khmer: she nods frantically
Ephphatha: you're mean
khmer: Ephphatha i was BEGGING her to feel her forehead with her hand
khmer: after like the sixth smack
khmer: she wouldn't LISTEN
khmer: i was FLIPPING THE QUARTER IN MY HAND
khmer: LOOK MIYUKI IT'S THE QUARTER
khmer: MIYUKI STOP THIS
khmer: so she demands that this dude hit her
khmer: and he does
khmer: so hard she FALLS OVER
Ephphatha: hahaha
khmer: gets up, and looks mortified
khmer: she heard no quarter drop
khmer: so i grab her and put her hand on her forehead
khmer: realization breaks out over her face
khmer: her eyes widen, and then
khmer: she JAMS ME INTO A CORNER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME
khmer: i'm cowering for my LIFE
khmer: she's screaming and hitting me with closed fists, REALLY HARD
Ephphatha: I'm nearly pissing myself laughing at this
khmer: so, i notice after a few seconds of this
khmer: the blows are falling softer and less often
khmer: she's...she's laughing! ha! all is forgiven!
khmer: the room begins to chuckle, the trance recedes
khmer: then she stops DEAD SILENT
khmer: spins around and GLARES at the guy who hit her really hard
khmer: and BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM
khmer: KICKS, PUNCHES
khmer: he's MOANING FOR MERCY
khmer: her friends have to restrain her
khmer: and then suddenly she BURSTS OUT LAUGHING and laughs for like THREE MINUTES
shoofle: that's a great story
khmer: and then she turns to me and says 'you like jazz?'
creature: Congratulations! You pulled a crazy girl.
khmer: ...the end
prozac: khmer, she'd do wild things to you in the bedroom.
Ephphatha: ok, if I EVER go to a party with you, you're not allowed to have any coins
prozac: Ephphatha, you should give him several
khmer: prozac: i thought about trying to bag her, but...i had a magic:the gathering tournament in the morning
prozac: just dont hit anyone in the back of the head
Coldcell: khmer, you're a living legend
#271 ⇧ (+1074/-384) ⇩
< vrek> I hate dealing with freaking girls, seriously I want to just kill everything with a god damn vagina!!!
< yy2bggggs> vrek: A gun would work better
#630 ⇧ (+881/-312) ⇩
< Corbomite> Which will allow me to spend cuntless hours fucking around in Visual Studio?
< Corbomite> countless*
< Vir4030> no, cuntless is accurate too
#602 ⇧ (+1084/-392) ⇩
<xkcd> Bucket: nslookup xkcd.com
<Bucket> 68.57.276.14
<xkcd> Bucket: nslookup whitehouse.gov
<Bucket> 68.57.276.14
<Ephphatha> uh
<nobody> WHAT?
<xkcd> THE PLOT THICKENS
<Ephphatha> dun dun dun
< Phlip> I like how most people recognise that it's always the same numbers before they realise there's a '276' in there...
#2269 ⇧ (+884/-315) ⇩
<Royall> "We have been trying to eliminate the penny for quite some time -- it always comes back," Obama said. "I need to find out who is lobbying to keep the penny."
<theonetruemango> but I thought Obama loved change
#5866 ⇧ (+1053/-384) ⇩
< Spork> So today in the school's parking lot, this big truck was triple parked. So, not being mean enough to actually scratch his truck, I wrote a note that said "Sorry about the scratch" and left it under his wiper. As I was pulling out, he got to his car, looked at the note, and spent like 10 minutes looking for a scratch.
#179 ⇧ (+1157/-428) ⇩
< agilman> Sea cucumbers extract oxygen from water in a pair of 'lungs' or respiratory 'trees' that branch off the cloaca just inside the anus...
< agilman> so that they 'breathe' by drawing water in through the anus and then expelling it
-!- geekable [geekable@hide-9D752E43.hsd1.mi.comcast.net] has joined #xkcd
<%relsqui> so does geekable
< geekable> geekable does what?
<%relsqui> oh nothing.
< geekable> geekable doesn't do anal, let me tell you right now
<%relsqui> ... that's ... really surprisingly appropriate to context
< agilman> wow
< agilman> yeah, thats 100% appropriate
#4240 ⇧ (+942/-344) ⇩
<Debaser> Guys
<Debaser> Here is an important life lesson
<Debaser> If someone comes up to you while you are eating egg at a mcdonalds
<Debaser> And says "You're eating chicken period"
<Debaser> Do NOT go
<Debaser> "OM NOM NOM, CHICKED PERIOD"
<Debaser> And smear it all over your face
<Debaser> Thats ANOTHER damn mcdonalds I can't go into
#2218 ⇧ (+911/-336) ⇩
<quine> i'm going to go ahead and turn into a bagel
<industrialbs> ummm quick question
<industrialbs> can I eat the quinebagel
<industrialbs> if it is in a non sexual way ?
<embrodak> don't tongue the quinebagel's hole
<quine> no, please do
<embrodak> ewww, not in pubic
<embrodak> *pubic
<embrodak> *pubic
<embrodak> FUCK
* quine high-freuds embrodak
#2279 ⇧ (+782/-285) ⇩
< phobiac> What are people of the future going to think when they look at the remains of our cities and can't apply weird astrological significance to way they were built?
< phobiac> We need to start aligning all buildings with some random star of little significance. Or something.
< phobiac> Otherwise the future will think we were idiots.
#4392 ⇧ (+893/-332) ⇩
<PseudoNym00> if you took a picture of a sexy naked woman, cut and pixelated part of it to make it look like the picture was still loading, then put a javascript on the page that made the browser look like its thinking, you could hypothetically trap perverts there forever!
<PseudoNym00> I'm a genius!
<PseudoNym00> and have engineered my own demise
#206 ⇧ (+1055/-401) ⇩
< fortitUs> hm.. whats a strapon? :S *innocent look*
<%relsqui> fortitUs: it's what I would use, lacking a cock, if I wanted to screw someone with one
< fortitUs> O_O
-!- fortitUs [lordogame@hide-1F17685D.singnet.com.sg] has quit [Quit: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh]
<%relsqui> oh man, I remembered that he's like 12 RIGHT after I said that
#6209 ⇧ (+843/-323) ⇩
<&Phificks> I classify netbooks as, basically, tiny shitty laptops.
<%relsqui> pretty much, yeah 8)
<%NinjaWizard> Also, it won't do -anything- I'd want to do on a desktop, since if I were getting something faster it'd be to play games :P
< Bugle> Well, then why did you get it? I'm confused =|
<%NinjaWizard> I got it because I wanna write more, and some local furs and I are gonna be starting a writing group.
<%relsqui> NinjaWizard: did you consider an -actual- notebook? >_>
<%NinjaWizard> I looked at the Alphasmart but with deliver+taxes it woulda cost the same as this.
<%relsqui> no I mean like
<%relsqui> a -notebook-
<%relsqui> for portable writing :P
<%NinjaWizard> Notebooks look to be about the same as the netbooks here. Sears pointed out their only notebook and it cost near double this thing.
<%relsqui> ...
<%relsqui> no
<%relsqui> like
<%relsqui> a NOTEBOOK
<%NinjaWizard> ...you mean like paper?
<%relsqui> >_<
<%relsqui> yes
#435 ⇧ (+959/-374) ⇩
< uberushaximus> I'm in your channel, writing sentences in a grammatically acceptable manner.
#1107 ⇧ (+822/-320) ⇩
<deadfool> if my kids first words were hello world that would rock
#1639 ⇧ (+813/-318) ⇩
<morner> guys
<morner> i might die quite soon
<shamrocker> morner, yeah, try not to do that.
<morner> i'll do my best
[ RIP morner, 10/17/86 - 06/21/08 --Ed. ]
#776 ⇧ (+1322/-536) ⇩
<PhoenixTalion> Apparently some museum did a Salvador Dali exhibit a while back
<PhoenixTalion> and after it was up for like, a month, it came out that half of the paintings were fakes!
<BSoDomy> oh snap
<PhoenixTalion> And at first I was all, damn. Shouldn't someone have caught on to that right away?
<PhoenixTalion> Then I realized, it wasn't that big a surprise
<PhoenixTalion> After all,
<PhoenixTalion> NO ONE INSPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION
#10329 ⇧ (+602/-228) ⇩
<LMAO> can i get pleez get unbanned i didnt do anything wrong
<&joannac> is this for #punblockedgames?
<LMAO> yas
<&joannac> if so, it says right at the top "We do not help with channel bans"
<&joannac> and it says right at the top of the punblockedgames page what happens when you are banned
<&joannac> 4 lines down, in white
<LMAO> u freakin stalker
<&joannac> why, because I can read?
<LMAO> no
<LMAO> just go fuckyourself
LMAO!LMAO@hide-8441CAF6.lightspeed.frokca.sbcglobal.net quit with message: [Killed (joannac (no you))]
#424 ⇧ (+900/-357) ⇩
xkcd: 04:00 < achelois> yo xkcd, did you get the pics of my sister in the shower?
xkcd: ^-- I have the best. Job. Ever.
#2224 ⇧ (+861/-345) ⇩
<wjw75> I really like Obscure Album by Band You've Never Heard Of, because it gives me a feeling of smug superiority whilst allowing me to express my unique individualism.
<jmmcd> Yes but Earlier Stuff by the same band is far better.
<ABabyAteMyDingo> You should hear Solo Album the lead singer made under the name Pseudonym.
<buddhahat> What you really want (but can't get) is the Impossibly Hard to Come By vinyl only recording of The Concert Only 3 People Knew About.
<munificent> I was at that concert. The recording doesn't hold a candle to the live experience.
<postdarwin> Yeah, but the sound in the hall was crap.
<postdarwin> I was backstage at The Concert Only 3 People Knew About by Lead Singer (which was eventually released as Impossibly Hard To Come by vinyl) and I captured the unmastered output from the monitor mix desk.
<postdarwin> This was by far the best performance by any band ever. Unfortunately, I can't remember what I named the file--something like CTX000118.wav I think.
<vkkim> Heh, I used to sell their drummer coke and I kept /my/ recording. I'll trade you the FLACs for Lead Singer's experimental work he did in college while tripping on acid.
<vkkim> That shit is so raw, you can't even tell it's music.
<vkkim> Rumor has it that he didn't even plan on recording it, but left his 4-track recorder on accidentally while having sex. He even got the last of the Dying Lizards in on it too. Crazy.
<bitt3n> I am Lead Singer and I don't know what the hell you wankers are talking about. I ripped all my riffs off of Boy George albums transcribed into 3/4 time.
<bitt3n> Hell, my most famous song, College Radio Sensation, is just "Karma Chameleon" played at 33 RPM.
<cedarzero> Dear Lead Singer, I am writing to say that rips of your band's first three 45's showed up recently in my feeds, and I listened to them without historical or cultural baggage.
<cedarzero> I found them enjoyable, and I think it's a shame they're out of print. It's good work.
<cedarzero> Best, Amateur Musicologist
<infosnax> But did you get there in time to see Opening Band, who served as a real inspiration for all of BYNHO's work? I did.
<infosnax> I'm pretty sure I was the only one there.
<munificent> I caught them playing acoustic in the back yard at the after party when Local Legend Who Split Up Just Before Getting Huge showed up and jammed with them.
<jmmcd> Only us true fans refer to them as BYNHO. High-five!
<Chthonius> True fans know that they changed the spelling to B!YNHO from BYNHO! to distinguish themselves from the Japanese movie of the same name.
<memsisthefuture> Man, Opening Band is such a ripoff. They stole most of their material from Dull Smoked Up 70's Band, and what they didn't steal just sucks.
<petdance> I call bullshit. If you were an actual hipster you would have said "show," not "concert."
<runeinalya> Solo Album wasn't really all that great. Lead Singer's old band was so much better on their first demo recording in their attic when they were all in middle school.
<kirun> Dude, they totally sold out when they released Next Album on Label That Once Signed Popular Artist.
<ibsulon> Dude, that was such an underrated album! Everyone hated it just because it was on a major label and had commercial production values. If the True Fans (TM) would have supported it, they wouldn't have broken up and who knows what they would have come up with next?
<-J-> Well their last album title '"True /Fans/ (TM)"' was kind of sarcastic and is known as their "fare bad" album rather than their fare well.
<-J-> Kind of a slap in the face if you ask me.
<-J-> With songs like "It Was All Your Fault You Lazy Bastards", and "You're So Dumb (I Bet You Don't Even Know What This Song Means)" to the tune of Carly Simons' "You're So Vein", and "Did You Ever Even Hear Of Us?", how could one not feel a little bit put off by their gratitude to their real
fans who you've never heard of?
<blankaccount> I really liked Less Obscure 'Pop Outsiders' That Are Worse than Band You've Never Heard Of But Which Allow Me to Maintain Superiority Even Above them by Complying With Certain Conformities.
<schneby> I like Comeback 80's Band with New Lead Singer Guy.
<memsisthefuture> Pssh! Come on, gimme a break. They are ruining their good reputation. New Lead Singer Guy isn't even half the man Heroin Overdose Dude was.
<toastspork> Oh, them.
<toastspork> Yeah, I knew them before anyone knew who they were. Even before *they* knew who they were.
<clearwaterlab> I liked their older stuff, especially the album recorded in a jail cell. That's RAW.
<shootdashit> why won't anyone mention this band's name you're all talking about?! it sounds fuckin' awesome.
#10911 ⇧ (+1069/-435) ⇩
<soobnauce> do you know that joke about the pianist?
<Bucket> No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it
<soobnauce> yes, that one
#2220 ⇧ (+1038/-426) ⇩
loquacius: We were discussing the vagina as storage device!
khmer: I heard relsqui uses her vagina as a block storage device
SeveredCross: /dev/vagina?
khmer: i was thinking for legos
loquacius: Also, stepping on Legos is painful enough, and vaginas are somewhat more sensitive than feet
khmer: i knew this girl once who could put two lego blocks in her vagina and then when she took them out they were joined
khmer: note: above story is completely fake
loquacius: I mistyped that as "stepping on vaginas is painful enough" the first time through
khmer: i knew this girl who could put 15 windows 95 floppy disks and a compaq presario in her vagina, and when she took them out, it was installed and configured
khmer: note: above story is entirely true
loquacius: I knew this girl who could put a Robo Sapiens in her vagina, and when she took it out, it was a real boy
khmer: i knew this girl who could put 5 east asian diplomats in her vagina, and when she took them out, the PRC recognized taiwan as an independent nation, and north korea was opened to foreign trade
loquacius: That one's actually plausible
khmer: hm true
khmer: i knew this girl once who could put an NES controller into her vagina, and when she took it out, she'd done a 11-minute mario 1 speed run
khmer: i knew this girl once would could put a penis into her vagina, and when she took it out, she thought i loved her
#459 ⇧ (+499/-190) ⇩
Glench: we have projectors that can hook up to the teachers' laptops in every room
Glench: and so he had his screen up looking to get to a powerpoint
Glench: and next to the powerpoint it said
Glench: Hitchhikers I've killed.txt
#1150 ⇧ (+736/-300) ⇩
ruleThirtyFour: I have a dark secret that I want you all to know about.
ruleThirtyFour: It was a pun.
ruleThirtyFour: I was in high school. It was a Cisco certification course.
ruleThirtyFour: Somebody knocked a load of books off the teacher's desk, and she asked the student teacher to put them back
ruleThirtyFour: and I said, 'Hang on a sec...
ruleThirtyFour: ...doesn't he need the admin password to install a library?'
ruleThirtyFour: that was the first time I literally saw somebody become speechless
ruleThirtyFour: absolutely NOTHING to say to me at that point
ruleThirtyFour: she stood in front of the class with her mouth hanging open for a full five seconds
#175 ⇧ (+647/-261) ⇩
<Glench> FLORP
<Glench> PANG
<Glench> OUCH!
<Wytukaze> ZANGG!
<Cctoide> ONOMATOPOEIA!
<mewyn> OCTOTHORPOEIA!
<Cctoide> MEWYNDIARRHEA!
<mewyn> No, not today.
#655 ⇧ (+879/-369) ⇩
< maLLee> what's wrong?
< Bucket> You idiots keep programming me to say retarded things.
#570 ⇧ (+743/-310) ⇩
* xkcd takes [Bucket] down for now until he can make some adjustments
<%relsqui> I thought he was looking a little pail
#633 ⇧ (+1473/-641) ⇩
<~xkcd> well, khmer, in search of hilarity
<~xkcd> hit on airtank, with great faux-sincerity
<~xkcd> but was met with surprise
<~xkcd> when the pull of her thighs
<~xkcd> crushed them both down to a singularity
<%khmer_at_work> Internet, please meet xkcd.
<%khmer_at_work> He distributes his content for free.
<%khmer_at_work> He writes half of his jokes
<%khmer_at_work> For you programmer folks
<%khmer_at_work> And the other half, he gets from me
<~xkcd> I am shocked by your base allegation
<~xkcd> and declare that it's pure fabrication
<~xkcd> yes, you're often quite clever
<~xkcd> but your jokes are, however,
<~xkcd> insufficient for my publication
<%khmer_at_work> Your rebuttal is cute but transparent.
<%khmer_at_work> Your reliance on me is apparent.
<%khmer_at_work> I'll admit it's pragmatic
<%khmer_at_work> To hide in your attic
<%khmer_at_work> But won't I run into your parents?
<~xkcd> (this limerick game goes for chapters)
<~xkcd> yes, we can become your captors
<~xkcd> you can stay in our attic
<~xkcd> though it's problematic
<~xkcd> since that's where we hide from the raptors
< Shrdlu> Gentlemen, your poetic retorts
< Shrdlu> Are among the most excellent sports
< Shrdlu> But this game, I insist
< Shrdlu> Has my poor neighbors pissed
< Shrdlu> For the library fills with my snorts.
<%khmer_at_work> I'll deal with them mano a mano.
<%khmer_at_work> Sit and listen to your ipod nano.
<%khmer_at_work> I'll lure them to dream
<%khmer_at_work> With that one 'Lost World' theme
<%khmer_at_work> And then slam their heads in the piano.
<~xkcd> You've devised quite an interesting plan,
<~xkcd> but it'll be over before it began.
<~xkcd> The raptors are smarter;
<~xkcd> your plot's a non-starter.
<~xkcd> Have fun. I'll be in Kazakhstan.
< Shrdlu> The piano idea could be worse
< Shrdlu> But the details are rather perverse.
< Shrdlu> Smashing their heads
< Shrdlu> Won't ensure that they're dead
< Shrdlu> But it will send you home in a hearse.
<%relsqui> While you duked it out, I've been terse
<%relsqui> 'Cause at limericks I'm a lot worse
<%relsqui> Than with different feet
<%relsqui> (In iambic, I'm leet!)
<%relsqui> Call me back when you fight in blank verse.
#1018 ⇧ (+720/-301) ⇩
<explicitjelly> Guys! GUYS! I have to go in a few seconds, forever, but before I go, I just HAVE to tell you the secret I discovered: a free and completely clean, infinite source of energy that also allows you to have consensual sex with EVERY woman you like. It's easy!
<explicitjelly> let me explain:
[#xkcd-signal] -moderator- explicitjelly, you have been muted for 1 minute 4 seconds.
#278 ⇧ (+770/-329) ⇩
* shoofle grapples Scarecrow
* shoofle /o_----------3 \o/ Scarecrow
* shoofle /o_----------------------S3carecrow
* shoofle /o_-----------S3 carecrow
* shoofle /o_S3 carecrow
-!- Scarecrow is now known as carecrow
-!- shoofle is now known as shoofleS
#4771 ⇧ (+628/-265) ⇩
<@relsqui> Bucket: bucket stole the cookie from the cookie jar is <reply>Who, me\?
< Bucket> Ok, relsqui
<@relsqui> Bucket: yes, you is <reply>Couldn't be!
< Bucket> Ok, relsqui
<@relsqui> Bucket: then who is <reply>$someone stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
< Bucket> Ok, relsqui
<@relsqui> Bucket stole the cookie from the cookie jar
< Bucket> Who, me?
<@relsqui> yes, you
< Bucket> Couldn't be!
<@relsqui> then who?
< Bucket> Bucket stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<@relsqui> ...
#5247 ⇧ (+839/-366) ⇩
<sparr> A mathematician, a physicist, and a biologist see two people walk into an empty building. A while later they see three people walk back out. The biologist says "they must have multiplied". The physicist says "no, our initial count was likely off". The mathematician nods sagely and says "actually, if one more person walks into the building then it will be empty again".
#8022 ⇧ (+527/-223) ⇩
<partdavid> not only that, they're making a movie of Monopoly!
<nazgjunk> partdavid: what.
<nazgjunk> I hope it'll be as crazy as Clue.
<Shrdlu> IN A WORLD. WHERE PROPERTY IS THEFT. AND CHANCE IS EVERYTHING.
<Shrdlu> ONE MAN.
<Shrdlu> JUST.
<Shrdlu> ROLLED.
<Shrdlu> DOUBLES.
<Lhyzz> "No, Uncle Pennybags! They can't take you to jail! I won't let them!"
<Lhyzz> "Don't worry. I have a plan."
<Lhyzz> DUN DUN
<Lhyzz> "You've built hotels on every block from Oriental Avenue to Park Place! Do you really think this can last?"
<Lhyzz> "I'm sure as hell going to find out."
<Lhyzz> DUN DUN DUN
<Lhyzz> THE POWER.
<Lhyzz> THE PASSION.
<Lhyzz> THE COMMUNITY CHEST.
<Lhyzz> "You've won second place in a beauty pageant!"
<Lhyzz> "Well this is unexpected."
<Lhyzz> AND IN THE END.
<Lhyzz> NOBODY.
<Lhyzz> GETS OUT OF JAIL.
<Lhyzz> FREE.
<Lhyzz> MONOPOLY THE MOVIE.
<Lhyzz> COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU FOR AN UNANNOUNCED AND EXTREMELY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME.
[ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1204976/ --Ed. ]
#594 ⇧ (+713/-315) ⇩
<squinky> gads, I hate when foreshadowing is too thinly veiled
<Screwtape> squinky: But not as much as you will about ten minutes from now.
#5876 ⇧ (+120/-34) ⇩
* @airtank has perfect vision
* Nikc carefully gouges out airtank's eyes, places them in his own sockets
<@airtank> (
<Nikc> ::D
#8092 ⇧ (+441/-187) ⇩
< logic> Ok, so I was at this party about a week ago, for my friend's birthday
< logic> and there was this guy with a deck of cards who'd clearly just learned a magic trick and was doing it to EVERHYONE
< sudonotplease> logic: A lot of stuff seems to have happened at this party.
< logic> And it was pissing me off, so i asked for the deck and springed it a couple of times, fanned it and just fooled around with some false cuts
< logic> sudonotplease: it was a good party
< logic> And then i gave it back to him
< logic> and this girl i had been talking to asked if i did tricks
< logic> and figuring the best way to stop any crap magician from doing tricks is to do one better than he could do, I agreed to do just one trick
< sudonotplease> logic: You magic?
< logic> So I let her shuffle the deck, and when she gave it back to me, I just took a quick look at the top card
< Duo> he illusions.
< logic> Anyway, it happened to be the Queen of Diamonds
< logic> anyone who knows anything about magic knows this is a really easy card to mental-force on girls
< logic> So I just asked her what card she was thinking of
< logic> And perfectly on cue, she says "Queen of Diamonds" - I turn the card around and amazement occurs
< logic> unfortunately, instead of taking this as a trick, she takes it as proof of me being pyschic
* sudonotplease knows nothing about magic, but now this!
< logic> Anyway - so this girl starts asking me questions, to which I'm saying left right and centre "no, not psychic"
< logic> And she just asks me to guess her star sign
< logic> I pull Taurus out of the air, which she proclaims to everyone is right
< Seth> logic: O.o
< logic> Anyway, after asking me more questions she becomes UTTERLY CONVINCED that I am psychic
< Seth> logic: woah
< logic> She asks me if I have any advice for her
< logic> And I tell her that she should go get tested
< logic> I really didn't think that through, but I meant it as a flippant comment
< Seth> logic: turns out, she has HIV?
< logic> Seth: Pregnant.
< sudonotplease> OH SHIIIIIT
< Seth> logic: damn
< Duo> hahaha
< Freudian> Ahahaha
#5758 ⇧ (+317/-130) ⇩
<Oceloctopus> I'm going to go find the bastard who decided to put only one usb port on the model of laptop I just purchased and beat him with my usb mouse or my external hard drive, whichever I'm not using at the time.
#987 ⇧ (+1243/-576) ⇩
<DD> The moderator will work Randall reckons,
<DD> but to newbies the new -Signal beckons.
<DD> They repeat what's been said,
<DD> (they repeat what's been said!)
<moderator> DD, you have been muted for 4 seconds.
#2053 ⇧ (+148/-49) ⇩
<Glench> I want to be going out with my glirlfriend
<Glench> to play in the snow
<Glench> and she's going to have trouble putting on her mitten
<Glench> and I'm going to help her
<Glench> and also stick my hand in it and say
<Glench> "I think I'm in glove with you"
#8893 ⇧ (+428/-185) ⇩
<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.
#10827 ⇧ (+601/-271) ⇩
<+rcombs> …the Starr Report indicates that somebody ate somebody's ass in the oval office
<+rcombs> but doesn't clarify who gave and who received