#996 ⇧ (+424/-190) ⇩
<thefiddler> Holy sonofabitch.
<thefiddler> I think my editor is flirting with me.
* thefiddler frowns
<Uhmerwell> ...Notepad?
<thefiddler> Errr.
<Uhmerwell> oh, you mean a human
<Uhmerwell> don't you :<
#4403 ⇧ (+204/-80) ⇩
<Jeffrey> An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
#5876 ⇧ (+123/-39) ⇩
* @airtank has perfect vision
* Nikc carefully gouges out airtank's eyes, places them in his own sockets
<@airtank> (
<Nikc> ::D
#6636 ⇧ (+158/-57) ⇩
<arienh4> destroy something
* Bucket destroys Metal_Wolf's penis in a big flash.
<Metal_Wolf> :(
<Metal_Wolf> arienh4, you owe me a penis.
#2001 ⇧ (+311/-136) ⇩
<&rpm> the grant consists of a banana and a piece of string
<@relsqui> is it a fresh banana?
<&rpm> depends on USPS times
< creature> How long is the piece of string?
<@relsqui> is it long enough that you can hold one end and mail me the other?
<@relsqui> that would be fun
<@relsqui> thread the mail system
<&rpm> ...
<&rpm> !!
<&rpm> wait
<&rpm> awesome way to run private network cables
<@relsqui> why settle for a VIRTUAL private network
<&rpm> YES
#7566 ⇧ (+367/-163) ⇩
<practisevoodoo> the big problem with playing tf2 on a mac is that engineers are not allowed to upgrade or repair stuff, they just have to buy new ones
#8087 ⇧ (+342/-151) ⇩
<&snark> so there was a post on reddit where someone was answering a question about "why do I never get any upvotes" with a long, well thought out paragraph basically to the effect of "The way to get upvotes is to simply contribute thoughtfully when you have something to contribute, and stay away from karma-seeking one-liners."
<&snark> I replied to that post with "AND MY AXE!"
<&snark> my post has twice as many upvotes as the thoughtful post
#217 ⇧ (+660/-312) ⇩
<Geese> I think short hair's pretty awesome too
<Geese> and
<Geese> it has the advantage of being less likely to get stuck in heavy machinery
<Geese> which, you know, is something I look for in a woman
#7997 ⇧ (+180/-70) ⇩
<snark> a man walks into an irc channel
<snark> wait no, he connects to an irc channel
<snark> you cannot physically enter an irc channel
<snark> anyway, so this guy, once he has entered the channel
<snark> hang on did I mention he was hispanic?
<snark> That detail will be important later
<xiaou> no
<snark> it's actually an important part of the punchline in a way
<snark> if you're familiar with hispanic stereotypes
<snark> anyway, where was I
<drazak> snark: actually his irc client connects
<snark> drazak: oh, right, thanks. So this guy who is hispanic has just had his irc client connect to a server, and joined a channel
<snark> I forget the name of the channle but I don't think it ended up being important
<snark> maybe it will come back to me later
<snark> anyway it's a channel in which there are a lot of rednecks, even though that's fairly unusual on the internet in my experience
<snark> I don't know if such a channel actually exists or if it was invented entirely for the purpose of this joke
<snark> I wasn't there, someone else told me it, you see
<snark> so anyway once he has entered this channel, or rather joined it, he orders a beer
<snark> or, wait
<snark> maybe it wasn't an irc channel at all
<snark> was it a biker bar? It might have been a biker bar
<snark> I think I am trying to tell a joke about a hispanic man entering a biker bar probably
<cuddlefish> snark: give up already
<snark> well the thing is though this is where it gets funny
<snark> because the hispanic guy interacts with the bikers in a humourous way
<snark> he might have been mexican. Anyway, the joke ends when one of them says something quite succinct and funny.
<snark> it's a good joke
<DaMullet> snark: Allegedly
<DarkLoad> snark: you should tell it sometime
<snark> I probably should
#9688 ⇧ (+121/-39) ⇩
<@Randall> shoofle: I have written worse regexes
<@Randall> in fact, as I was typing that, I was thinking "oh, I should find my worst regex to show shoofle. hmm, when I have really long command lines I sometimes drop them in a text file, but I don't put those in any consistent place ..."
<@Randall> "... but it'd be easy enough to write a regex to match most long regexes."
<@Randall> "wait. oh god, what am I doing."
<@Shrdlu> Randall: the good news is, writing it would likely save you the trouble of running it
#8521 ⇧ (+110/-36) ⇩
<XMPPWocky> you know in the state of kansas you can't take a picture of a man with a halibut
<@creature> XMPPWocky: Of course you can't. You have to use a camera.
#1069 ⇧ (+141/-49) ⇩
<PsychoDan> I just realized that wikipedia is now influencing my dreams.
<xkcd> PsychoDan: I've been there for a while.
<PsychoDan> That's disturbing on several levels
<Shrdlu> PsychoDan: This nightmare is a stub. You can help the subconscious by expanding it.
<Shrdlu> This dream or section does not cite its underlying symbolism. Unsourced motifs may be challenged and removed.
#2171 ⇧ (+257/-108) ⇩
<Wiseman> It occurred to me a few days ago in a drunken haze how difficult it would be to explain the fascination with boobs to an alien race.
<Wiseman> "they're little sacks of fat and stuff that hang off the front of women. they make milk, but we don't drink it. we just squish them"
#2209 ⇧ (+130/-46) ⇩
<ShortWave> fardlesnartling wugglemonger
<socksy> fardlesnartling wugglemonger?
<moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 4 seconds.
<PeloleP> ... that may have been the stupidest thing i've seen someone do here EVER
#7796 ⇧ (+210/-85) ⇩
<Flibberdy> genewitch: Yep. I wanted to buy a really nice Logitech which lets your choose
<Flibberdy> but all the really nice mice are huge, and my son uses my PC and his tiny 4 year old hands just can't cope
<ellipsis> Flibberdy: why not just upgrade your sons hands?
<Flibberdy> ellipsis: I tried, but couldn't find a decent second-hand shop
#8195 ⇧ (+264/-113) ⇩
< Caffeine> DNA is the sourcecode of life. Growing up is compiling. Puberty is debugging. Dying is the deletion of ancient code clugging the system.
< PaladinSL> Marriage is your company being bought by microsoft.
< Joker> Caffeine: What's a midlife crisis?
< Sigma> Joker: When you realize you shouldn't have used Perl
#826 ⇧ (+190/-75) ⇩
<%cerise> 11:40 < Bugle> [11:38] <phyphor> <postmodern> people metaquote pretty much everything now
<~relsqui> http://www.xkcdb.com/?826 <-- I win
#410 ⇧ (+186/-74) ⇩
<%shoofle> I totally want to get the actor who played the keeper of the bridge in monty python, and get him to redub the bridge questions scene
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your age?
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your sex?
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your LOCATION?
#384 ⇧ (+401/-183) ⇩
<waqjan> does Bucket do basic math?
<_LSK_> I don't know
<_LSK_> bucket, 2^8
<Bucket> 10
<_LSK_> No.
[ Yes. ^ of course means xor, not power. --Ed. ]
#7411 ⇧ (+363/-164) ⇩
<&Antipathy> the battery in my battery tester is dying :(
<&snark> that's either irony or nickely
<&snark> I forget how those things work
#4294 ⇧ (+196/-79) ⇩
< InitHello> nomnomnom
< Bucket> Slow down, you'll choke.
< InitHello> nom nom nom
< Bucket> Much better.
#8193 ⇧ (+187/-75) ⇩
<Velociraptor> Nuke stuff is neat - I think it's amazing you could be holding 5kg of a metal in each hand, and be safe - but bring them close enough to each other they go critical, and you die.
<MrMonster> same thing with two cats
#9286 ⇧ (+215/-88) ⇩
<gh403> Has anybody got the very first few frames of the current xkcd animation? I have most of them from my script that I wrote but I'm missing about the first two hours' worth.
<Randall> gh403: Oh, yeah, I've got those.
<Randall> I put them up on my website earlier.
#433 ⇧ (+449/-208) ⇩
<morner> Q: What is the physicist's definition of a vector space?
<morner> A: A set V such that for any x in V, x has a little arrow drawn over it.
#309 ⇧ (+415/-191) ⇩
<HiroP> bucket, OK is <reply>NO IT\'S NOT \YOU GODDAMN HIPPIE!!
<Bucket> OK, HiroP.
<HiroP> bucket, ok?
<Bucket> I cannot access that data, hirop
<HiroP> Jesus Fucking Christ
<Bucket> Jesus Fucking Christ is our lord and fucking savior.
#7636 ⇧ (+472/-220) ⇩
< Dextralus> Protip: If you're going to ship a box of bumblebee genitalia across the atlantic ocean, please for the love of mercy lable it more specifically than "genitalia for biological research"
< Dextralus> Customs will not be amused
< Dextralus> And I will not get my genitalia
< bumblebee> wtf
< bumblebee> of all the highlights i've gotten..
#7279 ⇧ (+104/-33) ⇩
<@snark> you know, shakespeare was always accosted by the dudes putting on his plays about what the costumes should be like
<@snark> but he was adamant that it didn't matter
<@snark> the actual words were what was important
<@snark> dude was so prose before hose
#6777 ⇧ (+349/-157) ⇩
< Queen_Sarah> brb, childbirth
[ River Jayne was born 2009-11-12 at 3.7kg and 52cm. --Ed. ]
#822 ⇧ (+177/-69) ⇩
<larrygiggles> I can take on 25 kids!
<larrygiggles> Tommorrow: I go to an elementary school to test this theory out
<Bucket> I'm foreseeing unexpected sex.
#8131 ⇧ (+292/-128) ⇩
<mysss> with whom I have an unfinished game of IRC correspondance chess
<mysss> which, btw, is the best way to play chess ever
<coaxmetal> Knight to 17Q
<Brooklynxman> King me. BINGO!
<mysss> you sunk my star destroyer!
<coaxmetal> Knight takes battleship, do not pass go, do not collect 200$
<vebyast> I cast magic missile at the Red Queen.
<dinosplosion> I seduce black's kobold
<ReishGaluta> My Hungry Hippo devours your pawn. That's 4-in-a-row.
<Brooklynxman> full house, I checkmate your ace of spades
<ReishGaluta> My knight chases away your black pawn, and I steal a wood from your hand.
<coaxmetal> Ok, I get 3 wheat and 2 stone this turn, so I roll 3D20's and change the color to Green. Uno.
<paratus> knight to queen's rook seven. touchdown.
<ReishGaluta> Go fish.
* Bucket somehow manages to strangle himself with the fishing wire
<dinosplosion> I see your knight, and raise you a Charizard. CHEAT.
<coaxmetal> Queen evolves into Col. Mustard
<Brooklynxman> base's loaded, out of mana, 4th quarter, and 2 rooks in the pocket
<coaxmetal> I see your bet with a 6-pool
<vebyast> "Give me ten seconds to finish promoting my straights to flushes and I'll be right there to help out with the zerglings."
<coaxmetal> actually, I don't play zerg
<ReishGaluta> Black Bishop. Corner Pocket.
<coaxmetal> Rook takes the flag. FINISH HIM.
<Brooklynxman> I have a pair of 2's. I role to bluff
* ReishGaluta rolls three 6's and conquers all of Asia. Yahtzee!
<vebyast> "D5". "That's a hit, so white pawn takes black bishop and you get a monster kill."
* Brooklynxman invades via yakutusk, sacraficing 3 pawns and a battleship
<ReishGaluta> strike 3, my bowler takes your pins. Headshot.
<Stereo> hang on, i've got a full house! snap!
<ReishGaluta> We're running low on supply centers! I'm sending my destroyer out rupee hunting.
<Stereo> the last marine is dancing a jig in the blood of slain rooks! uno!
<Stereo> show me the way to go... home
<vebyast> I'm going to tap my full house for three hearts and two spades, then spend one of the hearts to get out of jail free and the rest to call the top hat in the middle pocket.
<ReishGaluta> cheater
<ReishGaluta> you can't tap a full house for 3 hearts and 2 spades.
<Stereo> not unless you're sitting on a double decker
<Stereo> in the middle of berlin, in 1942
<coaxmetal> Zealot to B3, spends 3 bricks and 2 wheat to spawn Boardwalk Ave. Critical hit.
<ReishGaluta> I thought we were playing under Paris conventions!
<ReishGaluta> that explicitly disallows double-decking, and board-sliding.
* ReishGaluta grabs the Calvinball and goes home.
<Stereo> home may be base, but you can't score that way
<ReishGaluta> depends who's home
<Stereo> anyway, you can board slide if the top hat's in the middle pocket, and you've got a spare sheep
<Stereo> you just have to sacrifice a can of soup to the salvation army
<Stereo> and pray on soulcake tuesday
<coaxmetal> If you bamboozle the Calimari, You can take Marinaris valley without spending any sick leave
* Lorvan uses 2 Venus Djinn to summon Ramses, one of the pyramids is destroyed
<Stereo> then it's a clean sweep! i load 3 second edition dogeared copies of Harry Potter into the mousecapult, three parcheesi tokens advance on The Red Dragon, and kaput!
< coaxmetal> I am just making stuff up now
#7222 ⇧ (+225/-94) ⇩
* Zannick gives Bucket 16777216 crayons.
* Bucket hands Zannick a guilty conscience in exchange for 16777216 crayons
< Zannick> oh god what have i done?
#9325 ⇧ (+145/-53) ⇩
<GreenWolf> Bucket: let me out <action> drops $who
<Bucket> Okay, GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> bucket, let me out
*Bucket drops GreenWolf
<GreenWolf> yes
<GreenWolf> I'M FREE
*Bucket buys GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> NO!
#972 ⇧ (+220/-92) ⇩
<ColdNeon> heissenberg was driving a car and got pulled over. he stops and the cop comes up to his car door...
<ColdNeon> he asks him 'You were going pretty fast. Do you know how fast you're going?'
<ColdNeon> heissenberg looks up and says 'no, but thank you for pulling me over now I know exactly where I am!'
<relsqui> okay if you're gonna tell that one I have to tell this one
<relsqui> Heisenberg, Goedel, and Chomsky walk into a bar
<relsqui> Heisenberg says, 'From the fact that we are all here I can infer that this is a joke, but cannot determine whether or not the joke is funny.'
<relsqui> Goedel says, 'No, we can't tell if the joke is funny because we're inside it--if we could observe ourselves from outside, we would know.'
<relsqui> and Chomsky just shakes his head sadly
<relsqui> 'No, no,' he says.
<relsqui> 'The joke is funny. You're just telling it wrong.'
#4780 ⇧ (+135/-49) ⇩
<snark> your nick reminds me of a joke
* snark Quit (Quit: and /part are sitting in a boat)
<quit> What the hell?
#9270 ⇧ (+185/-74) ⇩
<relsqui> .... I have no idea how I just started libreoffice from a key combo
<Stereo> ctrl+shift+ <draw a picture of freedom with the mouse>
#982 ⇧ (+163/-63) ⇩
marc has now stolen the keys of half his friends
InitHello: pgp or car?
marc: car keys
InitHello: just checking
marc: I believe this is the only place in the world that would be asked
InitHello: I do not question that claim
#9130 ⇧ (+175/-69) ⇩
< yazdmich> can somebody pull up my quotes file?
< melody> Can't, I um...broke my asteriss key.
< melody> *asterisk
< melody> shit
#9516 ⇧ (+75/-19) ⇩
<@relsqui> wait what would quantum friends be
<Ariamis> entangled in the bedsheets
#2288 ⇧ (+138/-50) ⇩
<Mycroft> I hate bucket.
<Bucket> ...well, someones not getting a reacharound later.
#9178 ⇧ (+231/-98) ⇩
<mewyn> PYTHON? C? PYTHON? C? AAAAAAHHHHH!
* ellipsis imagines mewyn frantically pointing at a big snake nobody else sees.
#1282 ⇧ (+143/-53) ⇩
<Royall> For example, penis.
<Bucket> For sexample, penis.
<Ekem> For sex, ample penis.
#7583 ⇧ (+136/-49) ⇩
* fauxhemian climbs into puddles head
< puddle> fauxhemian: my head is a very scary place
< puddle> get out of there for your own safety
< fauxhemian> puddle: I didn't want to say anything...
* fauxhemian steps out
< puddle> good.
* aqualis climbs in to puddle's head
* aqualis looks around
* Bucket waves to aqualis
#10827 ⇧ (+621/-300) ⇩
<+rcombs> …the Starr Report indicates that somebody ate somebody's ass in the oval office
<+rcombs> but doesn't clarify who gave and who received
#10812 ⇧ (+423/-198) ⇩
* billybo has left (I can't keep eating out this giraffe.)
<CO2> wat
* billybo has joined
* billybo has left (WeeChat 1.6)
<Agafnd> had to leave with more dignity, i see.
#8361 ⇧ (+267/-118) ⇩
* amandarn has quit (Ping timeout)
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<Rena> oh is that what that cable was for
#2256 ⇧ (+306/-138) ⇩
Eaglewolf joined the chat room.
<+Eaglewolf> Hi all
<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 4 seconds.
<+Eaglewolf> ahem... >.>
<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 16 seconds.
Eaglewolf is now known as Daenyth.
<+senji> oh sweet, sweet irony
<+Daenyth> Well, already this isn't going very well...
<+Daenyth> but I like it! :D
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 1 minute 4 seconds.
<+Dark-Fx> What is it that you enjoy?
<+Daenyth> many many things, and none of them mentionable in polite company :P
<+Daenyth> and hey, I didn't gete muted for once :D
<+Daenyth> get^
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 4 minutes 16 seconds.
<+Daenyth> How does the bot determine mute time? Number of mutes? Length of time since last mute? Number of times the line is repeated?
<+tarpman> Daenyth: the faq has all of that and more, check out the topic
<+Daenyth> tarpman: thanks
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.
<+tarpman> hmm... vaguely ironic :)
<+socksy> 0.o
<+helene|Working> Look at that! a whole 17 minutes to read the FAQ
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.
<+helene|Working> OK that was more explicitly ironic
socksy is now known as socksy|soworthit.
<+karanlyons> this needs to go up on xkcdb right friggin now.
<+karanlyons> Alright, let me know if I screwed something up: http://dpaste.com/71726/
<+socksy> you missed me changing my name
<+helene|Working> yeah that was the cherry on top
<+karanlyons> socksy: helene|Working: Alright fixed.
<+socksy> yay!
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 34 minutes 8 seconds.
<+karanlyons> Oh boy, this is getting rather meta-funny.
<+helene|Working> haha i missed socksys last mute. Does he still deem it worth it?
socksy is now known as socksy|no.
moderator sets mode +v socksy
<+helene> congrats socksy. Be a man, go for 2 hours!
<+socksy> helene, I'd rather not.
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 2 hours 16 minutes 32 seconds.
#2413 ⇧ (+374/-173) ⇩
<@creature> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
<@creature> How could anyone stoop so low?
#4847 ⇧ (+155/-60) ⇩
<@snark> it's 5:40 a.m. here, which is like noon in fahrenheit
< SirEel> O_o
< SirEel> snark, wat
< Vossy> you can't do that
#5620 ⇧ (+121/-42) ⇩
<Flayer> I know perl
<Daedalus> Flayer, you didn't say that dramatically. Observe:
* Daedalus slams open the door, rain pouring down behind him
* Daedalus marches to the center of the tavern.
<Daedalus> [quietly] I... know perl.
* paraffin turns around slowly and drops his drink
* Daedalus slides a regexp out of his pocket and points it at paraffin silently
* paraffin whips out an abacus
<Daedalus> s/live/live|die/, paraffin. Are you ready to take that chance?
#845 ⇧ (+162/-63) ⇩
=-= Mode #xkcd-signal +v Jeice by moderator
<Jeice> Damn... I better not screw up again or I may as well go to sleep.
* Okita will avoid attempting to trick Jeice out of good sportsmanship.
* Jeice hates Okita.
<moderator> Jeice, you have been muted for 8 minutes 32 seconds.