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#8893 ⇧ (+433/-196) ⇩
<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.
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#2311 ⇧ (+220/-88) ⇩
<Media64> Your mom is like 7/11.
<Media64> She's open 24 hours a day.
<Xaldibik> 7/11 is better
<Xaldibik> At least they let you come inside
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#2171 ⇧ (+261/-109) ⇩
<Wiseman> It occurred to me a few days ago in a drunken haze how difficult it would be to explain the fascination with boobs to an alien race.
<Wiseman> "they're little sacks of fat and stuff that hang off the front of women. they make milk, but we don't drink it. we just squish them"
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#8087 ⇧ (+343/-151) ⇩
<&snark> so there was a post on reddit where someone was answering a question about "why do I never get any upvotes" with a long, well thought out paragraph basically to the effect of "The way to get upvotes is to simply contribute thoughtfully when you have something to contribute, and stay away from karma-seeking one-liners."
<&snark> I replied to that post with "AND MY AXE!"
<&snark> my post has twice as many upvotes as the thoughtful post
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#1119 ⇧ (+368/-164) ⇩
London-Glen: I have flue.
London-Glen: s/flue/flu/g
vejadu: wait, why did you make that global?
vejadu: now i can't open my fireplace flu!
London-Glen: Pure spite.
vejadu: well, who died and made you so influntial
vejadu: influntial
vejadu: bastard!
Warning: Undefined array key 7566 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#7566 ⇧ (+368/-164) ⇩
<practisevoodoo> the big problem with playing tf2 on a mac is that engineers are not allowed to upgrade or repair stuff, they just have to buy new ones
Warning: Undefined array key 1300 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#1300 ⇧ (+260/-109) ⇩
<Elyscape> also, have you considered the possibility that individuals who don't produce offspring might actually be an evolutionary benefit?
<Elyscape> because they're not spending their efforts on finding a mate, they do other things.
<Elyscape> which may ultimately help other individuals survive or produce viable offspring or whatever
<Eule> it is a little known fact that many gay and lesbian people voluntarily patrol their neighborhoods and fight off velociraptor attacks
<Elyscape> Eule: I'm only alive because of the neighborhood lesbian.
Warning: Undefined array key 1069 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#1069 ⇧ (+143/-50) ⇩
<PsychoDan> I just realized that wikipedia is now influencing my dreams.
<xkcd> PsychoDan: I've been there for a while.
<PsychoDan> That's disturbing on several levels
<Shrdlu> PsychoDan: This nightmare is a stub. You can help the subconscious by expanding it.
<Shrdlu> This dream or section does not cite its underlying symbolism. Unsourced motifs may be challenged and removed.
Warning: Undefined array key 433 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#433 ⇧ (+449/-208) ⇩
<morner> Q: What is the physicist's definition of a vector space?
<morner> A: A set V such that for any x in V, x has a little arrow drawn over it.
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#9325 ⇧ (+148/-53) ⇩
<GreenWolf> Bucket: let me out <action> drops $who
<Bucket> Okay, GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> bucket, let me out
*Bucket drops GreenWolf
<GreenWolf> yes
<GreenWolf> I'M FREE
*Bucket buys GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> NO!
Warning: Undefined array key 9286 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#9286 ⇧ (+216/-88) ⇩
<gh403> Has anybody got the very first few frames of the current xkcd animation? I have most of them from my script that I wrote but I'm missing about the first two hours' worth.
<Randall> gh403: Oh, yeah, I've got those.
<Randall> I put them up on my website earlier.
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#2001 ⇧ (+311/-137) ⇩
<&rpm> the grant consists of a banana and a piece of string
<@relsqui> is it a fresh banana?
<&rpm> depends on USPS times
< creature> How long is the piece of string?
<@relsqui> is it long enough that you can hold one end and mail me the other?
<@relsqui> that would be fun
<@relsqui> thread the mail system
<&rpm> ...
<&rpm> !!
<&rpm> wait
<&rpm> awesome way to run private network cables
<@relsqui> why settle for a VIRTUAL private network
<&rpm> YES
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#972 ⇧ (+220/-92) ⇩
<ColdNeon> heissenberg was driving a car and got pulled over. he stops and the cop comes up to his car door...
<ColdNeon> he asks him 'You were going pretty fast. Do you know how fast you're going?'
<ColdNeon> heissenberg looks up and says 'no, but thank you for pulling me over now I know exactly where I am!'
<relsqui> okay if you're gonna tell that one I have to tell this one
<relsqui> Heisenberg, Goedel, and Chomsky walk into a bar
<relsqui> Heisenberg says, 'From the fact that we are all here I can infer that this is a joke, but cannot determine whether or not the joke is funny.'
<relsqui> Goedel says, 'No, we can't tell if the joke is funny because we're inside it--if we could observe ourselves from outside, we would know.'
<relsqui> and Chomsky just shakes his head sadly
<relsqui> 'No, no,' he says.
<relsqui> 'The joke is funny. You're just telling it wrong.'
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#4780 ⇧ (+135/-49) ⇩
<snark> your nick reminds me of a joke
* snark Quit (Quit: and /part are sitting in a boat)
<quit> What the hell?
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#384 ⇧ (+402/-184) ⇩
<waqjan> does Bucket do basic math?
<_LSK_> I don't know
<_LSK_> bucket, 2^8
<Bucket> 10
<_LSK_> No.
[ Yes. ^ of course means xor, not power. --Ed. ]
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#6636 ⇧ (+161/-60) ⇩
<arienh4> destroy something
* Bucket destroys Metal_Wolf's penis in a big flash.
<Metal_Wolf> :(
<Metal_Wolf> arienh4, you owe me a penis.
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#7796 ⇧ (+211/-86) ⇩
<Flibberdy> genewitch: Yep. I wanted to buy a really nice Logitech which lets your choose
<Flibberdy> but all the really nice mice are huge, and my son uses my PC and his tiny 4 year old hands just can't cope
<ellipsis> Flibberdy: why not just upgrade your sons hands?
<Flibberdy> ellipsis: I tried, but couldn't find a decent second-hand shop
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#822 ⇧ (+178/-69) ⇩
<larrygiggles> I can take on 25 kids!
<larrygiggles> Tommorrow: I go to an elementary school to test this theory out
<Bucket> I'm foreseeing unexpected sex.
Warning: Undefined array key 7411 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#7411 ⇧ (+364/-165) ⇩
<&Antipathy> the battery in my battery tester is dying :(
<&snark> that's either irony or nickely
<&snark> I forget how those things work
Warning: Undefined array key 8195 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#8195 ⇧ (+265/-114) ⇩
< Caffeine> DNA is the sourcecode of life. Growing up is compiling. Puberty is debugging. Dying is the deletion of ancient code clugging the system.
< PaladinSL> Marriage is your company being bought by microsoft.
< Joker> Caffeine: What's a midlife crisis?
< Sigma> Joker: When you realize you shouldn't have used Perl
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#8131 ⇧ (+294/-129) ⇩
<mysss> with whom I have an unfinished game of IRC correspondance chess
<mysss> which, btw, is the best way to play chess ever
<coaxmetal> Knight to 17Q
<Brooklynxman> King me. BINGO!
<mysss> you sunk my star destroyer!
<coaxmetal> Knight takes battleship, do not pass go, do not collect 200$
<vebyast> I cast magic missile at the Red Queen.
<dinosplosion> I seduce black's kobold
<ReishGaluta> My Hungry Hippo devours your pawn. That's 4-in-a-row.
<Brooklynxman> full house, I checkmate your ace of spades
<ReishGaluta> My knight chases away your black pawn, and I steal a wood from your hand.
<coaxmetal> Ok, I get 3 wheat and 2 stone this turn, so I roll 3D20's and change the color to Green. Uno.
<paratus> knight to queen's rook seven. touchdown.
<ReishGaluta> Go fish.
* Bucket somehow manages to strangle himself with the fishing wire
<dinosplosion> I see your knight, and raise you a Charizard. CHEAT.
<coaxmetal> Queen evolves into Col. Mustard
<Brooklynxman> base's loaded, out of mana, 4th quarter, and 2 rooks in the pocket
<coaxmetal> I see your bet with a 6-pool
<vebyast> "Give me ten seconds to finish promoting my straights to flushes and I'll be right there to help out with the zerglings."
<coaxmetal> actually, I don't play zerg
<ReishGaluta> Black Bishop. Corner Pocket.
<coaxmetal> Rook takes the flag. FINISH HIM.
<Brooklynxman> I have a pair of 2's. I role to bluff
* ReishGaluta rolls three 6's and conquers all of Asia. Yahtzee!
<vebyast> "D5". "That's a hit, so white pawn takes black bishop and you get a monster kill."
* Brooklynxman invades via yakutusk, sacraficing 3 pawns and a battleship
<ReishGaluta> strike 3, my bowler takes your pins. Headshot.
<Stereo> hang on, i've got a full house! snap!
<ReishGaluta> We're running low on supply centers! I'm sending my destroyer out rupee hunting.
<Stereo> the last marine is dancing a jig in the blood of slain rooks! uno!
<Stereo> show me the way to go... home
<vebyast> I'm going to tap my full house for three hearts and two spades, then spend one of the hearts to get out of jail free and the rest to call the top hat in the middle pocket.
<ReishGaluta> cheater
<ReishGaluta> you can't tap a full house for 3 hearts and 2 spades.
<Stereo> not unless you're sitting on a double decker
<Stereo> in the middle of berlin, in 1942
<coaxmetal> Zealot to B3, spends 3 bricks and 2 wheat to spawn Boardwalk Ave. Critical hit.
<ReishGaluta> I thought we were playing under Paris conventions!
<ReishGaluta> that explicitly disallows double-decking, and board-sliding.
* ReishGaluta grabs the Calvinball and goes home.
<Stereo> home may be base, but you can't score that way
<ReishGaluta> depends who's home
<Stereo> anyway, you can board slide if the top hat's in the middle pocket, and you've got a spare sheep
<Stereo> you just have to sacrifice a can of soup to the salvation army
<Stereo> and pray on soulcake tuesday
<coaxmetal> If you bamboozle the Calimari, You can take Marinaris valley without spending any sick leave
* Lorvan uses 2 Venus Djinn to summon Ramses, one of the pyramids is destroyed
<Stereo> then it's a clean sweep! i load 3 second edition dogeared copies of Harry Potter into the mousecapult, three parcheesi tokens advance on The Red Dragon, and kaput!
< coaxmetal> I am just making stuff up now
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#4294 ⇧ (+197/-79) ⇩
< InitHello> nomnomnom
< Bucket> Slow down, you'll choke.
< InitHello> nom nom nom
< Bucket> Much better.
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#410 ⇧ (+189/-75) ⇩
<%shoofle> I totally want to get the actor who played the keeper of the bridge in monty python, and get him to redub the bridge questions scene
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your age?
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your sex?
<%shoofle> WHAT... is your LOCATION?
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#309 ⇧ (+417/-193) ⇩
<HiroP> bucket, OK is <reply>NO IT\'S NOT \YOU GODDAMN HIPPIE!!
<Bucket> OK, HiroP.
<HiroP> bucket, ok?
<Bucket> I cannot access that data, hirop
<HiroP> Jesus Fucking Christ
<Bucket> Jesus Fucking Christ is our lord and fucking savior.
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#7636 ⇧ (+473/-222) ⇩
< Dextralus> Protip: If you're going to ship a box of bumblebee genitalia across the atlantic ocean, please for the love of mercy lable it more specifically than "genitalia for biological research"
< Dextralus> Customs will not be amused
< Dextralus> And I will not get my genitalia
< bumblebee> wtf
< bumblebee> of all the highlights i've gotten..
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#7583 ⇧ (+136/-49) ⇩
* fauxhemian climbs into puddles head
< puddle> fauxhemian: my head is a very scary place
< puddle> get out of there for your own safety
< fauxhemian> puddle: I didn't want to say anything...
* fauxhemian steps out
< puddle> good.
* aqualis climbs in to puddle's head
* aqualis looks around
* Bucket waves to aqualis
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#7222 ⇧ (+227/-95) ⇩
* Zannick gives Bucket 16777216 crayons.
* Bucket hands Zannick a guilty conscience in exchange for 16777216 crayons
< Zannick> oh god what have i done?
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#826 ⇧ (+190/-76) ⇩
<%cerise> 11:40 < Bugle> [11:38] <phyphor> <postmodern> people metaquote pretty much everything now
<~relsqui> http://www.xkcdb.com/?826 <-- I win
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#6777 ⇧ (+350/-159) ⇩
< Queen_Sarah> brb, childbirth
[ River Jayne was born 2009-11-12 at 3.7kg and 52cm. --Ed. ]
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#10812 ⇧ (+427/-199) ⇩
* billybo has left (I can't keep eating out this giraffe.)
<CO2> wat
* billybo has joined
* billybo has left (WeeChat 1.6)
<Agafnd> had to leave with more dignity, i see.
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#5876 ⇧ (+126/-43) ⇩
* @airtank has perfect vision
* Nikc carefully gouges out airtank's eyes, places them in his own sockets
<@airtank> (
<Nikc> ::D
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#7295 ⇧ (+263/-118) ⇩
<@relsqui> humans really are weird shit though. electrical signals shooting through meat make other bits of meat twitch, causing sound waves to ripple through the air, which cause membranes to vibrate, which *reproduce the same electrical signal in more meat*
<@relsqui> what the *fuck* seriously
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#2413 ⇧ (+376/-173) ⇩
<@creature> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
<@creature> How could anyone stoop so low?
Warning: Undefined array key 5504 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#5504 ⇧ (+172/-69) ⇩
gameprey: oh crap
gameprey: where are my keys?
Bucket: Did you check your other jacket?
gameprey: umm... no
gameprey: Bucket: thanks, found em!
gameprey: seriously
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#982 ⇧ (+164/-63) ⇩
marc has now stolen the keys of half his friends
InitHello: pgp or car?
marc: car keys
InitHello: just checking
marc: I believe this is the only place in the world that would be asked
InitHello: I do not question that claim
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#4594 ⇧ (+144/-54) ⇩
<Geekthras> Imagine you're teaching someone how to walk. And they're doing pretty well, until they trip and twist their ankle. Then, both their legs fall off and they start screaming in Swedish whilst punching themself in the face, until they pass out and their heart explodes.
<Geekthras> Then they wake up five minutes later and they're fine.
<Geekthras> That's basically my computer and java in the last five minutes
Warning: Undefined array key 9130 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#9130 ⇧ (+175/-70) ⇩
< yazdmich> can somebody pull up my quotes file?
< melody> Can't, I um...broke my asteriss key.
< melody> *asterisk
< melody> shit
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#1282 ⇧ (+144/-53) ⇩
<Royall> For example, penis.
<Bucket> For sexample, penis.
<Ekem> For sex, ample penis.
Warning: Undefined array key 4625 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#4625 ⇧ (+147/-56) ⇩
<snark> there was this time when a bunch of friars were having trouble making their belfry payments, so they opened a florists to try to pay the bills
<snark> they were doing very well, but the rival florist across the road started losing business. He repeatedly asked them to stop, but they wouldn't.
<snark> so eventually, he got Hugh McTaggart, the toughest ruffian in town, to pay them a visit and give them a good talking to.
<snark> long story short, they did pack up and go home. Turns out Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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#9270 ⇧ (+186/-75) ⇩
<relsqui> .... I have no idea how I just started libreoffice from a key combo
<Stereo> ctrl+shift+ <draw a picture of freedom with the mouse>
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#9178 ⇧ (+232/-99) ⇩
<mewyn> PYTHON? C? PYTHON? C? AAAAAAHHHHH!
* ellipsis imagines mewyn frantically pointing at a big snake nobody else sees.
Warning: Undefined array key 10258 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#10258 ⇧ (+122/-43) ⇩
< alexbuzzbee> Who maintains the xkcdb?
<@relsqui> alexbuzzbee: why?
< alexbuzzbee> Just wondering who decides what goes on?
<@relsqui> me
< CO2> alexbuzzbee: relsqui cannot be bribed, afaik
<@relsqui> hey now let's not be hasty
Warning: Undefined array key 8088 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#8088 ⇧ (+117/-41) ⇩
<Knife> Tron, have you ever been kicked out of a seminar about drugs?
<Tron> I fight for the users
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#2256 ⇧ (+308/-139) ⇩
Eaglewolf joined the chat room.
<+Eaglewolf> Hi all
<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 4 seconds.
<+Eaglewolf> ahem... >.>
<-moderator> Eaglewolf, you have been muted for 16 seconds.
Eaglewolf is now known as Daenyth.
<+senji> oh sweet, sweet irony
<+Daenyth> Well, already this isn't going very well...
<+Daenyth> but I like it! :D
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 1 minute 4 seconds.
<+Dark-Fx> What is it that you enjoy?
<+Daenyth> many many things, and none of them mentionable in polite company :P
<+Daenyth> and hey, I didn't gete muted for once :D
<+Daenyth> get^
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 4 minutes 16 seconds.
<+Daenyth> How does the bot determine mute time? Number of mutes? Length of time since last mute? Number of times the line is repeated?
<+tarpman> Daenyth: the faq has all of that and more, check out the topic
<+Daenyth> tarpman: thanks
<-moderator> Daenyth, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.
<+tarpman> hmm... vaguely ironic :)
<+socksy> 0.o
<+helene|Working> Look at that! a whole 17 minutes to read the FAQ
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 17 minutes 4 seconds.
<+helene|Working> OK that was more explicitly ironic
socksy is now known as socksy|soworthit.
<+karanlyons> this needs to go up on xkcdb right friggin now.
<+karanlyons> Alright, let me know if I screwed something up: http://dpaste.com/71726/
<+socksy> you missed me changing my name
<+helene|Working> yeah that was the cherry on top
<+karanlyons> socksy: helene|Working: Alright fixed.
<+socksy> yay!
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 34 minutes 8 seconds.
<+karanlyons> Oh boy, this is getting rather meta-funny.
<+helene|Working> haha i missed socksys last mute. Does he still deem it worth it?
socksy is now known as socksy|no.
moderator sets mode +v socksy
<+helene> congrats socksy. Be a man, go for 2 hours!
<+socksy> helene, I'd rather not.
<-moderator> socksy, you have been muted for 2 hours 16 minutes 32 seconds.
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#9688 ⇧ (+122/-42) ⇩
<@Randall> shoofle: I have written worse regexes
<@Randall> in fact, as I was typing that, I was thinking "oh, I should find my worst regex to show shoofle. hmm, when I have really long command lines I sometimes drop them in a text file, but I don't put those in any consistent place ..."
<@Randall> "... but it'd be easy enough to write a regex to match most long regexes."
<@Randall> "wait. oh god, what am I doing."
<@Shrdlu> Randall: the good news is, writing it would likely save you the trouble of running it
Warning: Undefined array key 7272 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#7272 ⇧ (+73/-20) ⇩
<luff> omg, im getting married
<luff> \o/
<nazgjunk> luff: excellent. Have you decided on someone to do it with?
<nazgjunk> (and do they know?)
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#5965 ⇧ (+117/-42) ⇩
<lingrush> How do you view the banlist?
<Feriority> try /mode #xkcd +b
<@creature> Try /bans
<apo_> try /buns
* @snark slashes apo_'s buns
* CaptainPlatypus snarks at snark's snarks
* @snark snarks snarkily
* Bucket buckets bucketfully
<@snark> <3 Bucket
<Bucket> <3 snark
<@snark> :D
<CaptainPlatypus> ...I have nothing to say to that
<Feriority> ... there's a rather beautiful symmetry there
<lingrush> That was so cute.
<luke> I'mma go throw up over there
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#8193 ⇧ (+189/-77) ⇩
<Velociraptor> Nuke stuff is neat - I think it's amazing you could be holding 5kg of a metal in each hand, and be safe - but bring them close enough to each other they go critical, and you die.
<MrMonster> same thing with two cats
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#2288 ⇧ (+139/-51) ⇩
<Mycroft> I hate bucket.
<Bucket> ...well, someones not getting a reacharound later.
Warning: Undefined array key 283 in /home/public/functions.php on line 50
#283 ⇧ (+187/-77) ⇩
<warriorness> life is so tough
<warriorness> I think I'll write some poetry
<warriorness> cut myself a bit
<warriorness> blast linkin park
<yy2bggggs> How do you do it man?
<warriorness> dye my hair black and comb it over my eye
<Bucket> dye my hair black and comb it over my thigh
<warriorness> o__O
<warriorness> strangely ominous
<xkcd> 1,000,000 botsnacks
<Bucket> :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
<warriorness> Bucket: dow you EVER shave down there? Dude.
<Bucket> warriorness: excuse me?
<relsqui> hahaha
<warriorness> You head me!
<warriorness> *heard
<warriorness> oh god